i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
