I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
