man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
