Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
