This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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