i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
