p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
