I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
