You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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