I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Randomize
