I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
