This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
