paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
