you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
