I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
