The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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