Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
