Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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