Bisexual people are plain selfish.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
