glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He passed out mid-signature
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
