I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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