dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
