theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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