mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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