Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
