ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
