shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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