If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
