$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
