You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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