Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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