We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
