She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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