I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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