So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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