a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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