ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
