Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
