honey bunches of taint.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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