onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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