So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Randomize
