Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
