...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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