i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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