Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
