Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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