He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
