YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
