you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
