i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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