As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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