this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I touched a dick in church today
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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