were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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