I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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