Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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