I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
