i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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