Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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