I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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